I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
