Your face is a jimmy john
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize