She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
