Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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