I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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