A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
