i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
