So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
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I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
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Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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