I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
