my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Randomize
