i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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