I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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