Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
