As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
50% drunk capacity currently
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
