Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
