Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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