i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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