Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
