Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
