First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
