im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I did not marry a roomba.
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