You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
