I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
