Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
