I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Randomize
