The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
