Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
