she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
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from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
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Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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