I'm so fucking centered right now
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
