$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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