Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
