I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
