Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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