I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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