At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
