proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My balls are so social today.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
