im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
