You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
