I wanna passion pit in your ass
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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