he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
