So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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