I don't usually arrange sex via text message
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
