I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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