I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
