there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
