you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you will always have a special place in my vag
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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