U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
A bitchslap is in order.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
