Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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