okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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