She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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