Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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