Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
