i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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