I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
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When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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